by the Church

The Church has been called a ‘hospital for the soul,’ a place of healing and restoration.  But what happens when it hurts someone?

Sue Careless

After a highly successful missions trip, two respected church leaders started planning a second evangelistic venture.  They had worked well together in the past but the two men had a sharp disagreement over who the third member of their team should be. One pastor wanted his young cousin to accompany them but the second leader wouldn’t hear of it because the young man had deserted them on their first trip. The relative wanted his cousin to be given a second chance. They could not agree and so parted company and embarked on two separate missions to very different regions, the cousins working together and the other pastor finding another co-worker.

The two contentious church leaders who parted ways were Paul and Barnabas.  The young man at the centre of their disagreement was Barnabas’ cousin, John Mark, who later wrote the Gospel of Mark (see Acts 15:36-41). Much pain must have been caused to

all three men and much of the early Church by their dispute. There is no record of how their broken relationships were resolved but we know they eventually were. Paul praises Barnabas (1 Co.: 9:6) and so comes to admire Mark that he requests his company in his final days (2 Tim 4:11).

It is comforting to know that even the great biblical saints sharply disagreed. The Church is meant to be a safe place that nurtures goodness, kindness and love. But no matter how far along we are in our Christian journey, like Paul and Barnabas we all give offences that we need to repent of and receive offences that we need to forgive.

Some Christians have been seriously hurt by their local church. Perhaps power,  authority or trust has been abused. There may need to be a criminal investigation and charges may need to be

laid. Tragically the worst large-scale example in our denomination’s history involved young students at Indian residential schools. The Church must be careful not to simply protect its leaders and its own institutional reputation at the expense of vulnerable members. Shielding an abuser only leads to further abuse. And when the abuser won’t stop, it is unhealthy for the abused to stay.

Sometimes the hurt is only a small slight but such matters should not be allowed to fester and become a root of bitterness. Brian Johnson, who is on the missions committee of Little Trinity in Toronto, says one cause of hurt is often having “unmet expectations.” “If someone has volunteered years of service and then steps down, but there is no gift, no card, no lunch out, it’s hard not to feel unappreciated and bear a grudge.” Secular organizations work hard at showing appreciation to their volunteers because they know that is the best way to retain them.

Depending on the nature of the hurt or misunderstanding, it may help to have a mediator try to bring the parties together. Can the grievance be voiced? Can some repentance be expressed either privately between or among the individuals concerned or with the help of some mutually agreed-upon go-between? Can forgiveness be expressed? If appropriate, can some restitution be made? Ideally the priest or wardens of the church should ensure this, unless they are one of the parties involved.

You cannot force someone to repent or to accept forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness may be only a one-way street. The person wronged may forgive the wrongdoer even though the wrongdoer does not acknowledge the fault. Or the wrongdoer may genuinely express repentance and seek forgiveness, only to be rebuffed by the person wronged. But the person who reaches out with either genuine forgiveness or true repentance will be honoured by God and so feel at peace with himself even though the situation has not been fully resolved. He has gone as far as he can at present and need only be open to new opportunities, should they arise, to mend the matter.

If, however, time does not seem to heal the situation, and intermediaries and counsellors are not able to effectively help and the person wronged still feels great hurt every time he or she enters that particular church, perhaps it is time to find another place to worship and start afresh.

Entry and Exit Interviews

Although it may be difficult, it would generally be helpful to the priest to have “exit interviews” with any members who decide to leave, so there is a clear understanding of why they are not comfortable any longer in that particular church. Lessons may be learnt to prevent similar occurrences in the future. (This exit interview should not be

the first time the difficulties have been raised with the priest. Ideally there has been some conversation before the leave-taking, so that attempts can be made to settle problems when they first arise.)

The Rev. Brett Cane at St. Alban’s in Winnipeg also recommends “entry interviews.” “I ask people coming to us from elsewhere if they have worked through, to the best of their ability, issues with their previous congregation. I feel this is important for them and for their previous church, but also for us, so that they bring as little unhelpful baggage as possible.”

A Hurting People

The Church is a community that traditionally welcomes wounded people but as Canon Kimberley Beard of St. Paul’s on the Hill in Pickering notes, “Broken and wounded people are often self focused and extremely sensitive to perceived criticism or lack of support from others. This can create a difficult dynamic in churches that have a high percentage of emotionally needy people.”

Beard says that you can have a church “full of dry sponges who are all desperately looking to soak up any love and attention. After a while this can leave volunteers and clergy exhausted, unless prayer, rest and support are in place to uplift those who are called to care for those in need.”

Like teachers and doctors, clergy are people in authority and if they criticize or shun certain church members, those lay persons can quickly lose face in the group. Beard warns that clergy and lay leaders can isolate and abuse their power and authority so that church members feel unloved and unwanted, shut out from the very community that should be their spiritual home.

Abuse can be leveled by those in authority but also against those in

authority, wounding both pastors and their loved ones. Clergy can be abused by churches and their lay leadership. Through verbal criticism, low salaries, six-day-a-week work schedules and little support from diocesan or lay leadership, clergy and their families can be badly hurt.

Clergy sometimes feel there is “open season” declared on them and their loved ones. One clergy spouse told the Planet, “Too often there is a sense that when it comes to dealing with clergy and their families, people can act with impunity and the priest’s family must

smile and take whatever comes their way.” Who can they turn to for guidance when their pastor is their parent or spouse? Jealousy and viciousness permeates much of modern society but if we live the Gospel it should not, of course, occur in the Church.” We need to be more conscious of what the families of our clergy sometimes go through. All too often such hurts and anger lead to estrangement from the Church.

Several people who felt spiritually abused in Anglican churches, said: “Talk and pray it through. Take your anger to God. Remember who you are accountable to [God] and who they [the abusers] are also accountable to! Get perspective and laugh.” One joked about how typical is the parish where “Everybody wants everything done; nobody wants to do it; but everybody reserves the right to criticize anybody who does attempt to do something.”

Others said, “It takes time for the hurt to diminish. People who have stopped attending church need a support group, even informally, where they can read Scripture together and pray. And those studying for the ministry should read about spiritual abuse.”

One Anglican who felt seriously abused by church authorities tried to attend services but was too upset and stopped attending church for a year. However, after reading The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, said, “It all made sense. Then I could go forward. The experience, while painful, helped me minister better to the abused who came into the congregation. I discovered that God can heal incredibly painful hurts. He did it for me, and now I can share this message with others who have suffered.”

                                                                    - Sue Careless

a. Keep in close personal contact, perhaps more so now than ever.

b. Try to separate any talk of God from that of the Church. While the person may have had a falling out with the Church, it doesn’t mean God is guilty by association.

c. Very casually work at “doing church” together, perhaps over the phone at first then in a living room. Praying together, having a time of fellowship around a guitar or piano might help.  Church can take on a whole new dimension, perhaps becoming even more relevant and meaningful than before in small, informal “house settings.”

d. Eventually coach the person into a Bible study or fellowship group.

e. If it appears that they won’t jive with the parish or even denomination ever again, all is not lost. The Church is bigger than any one parish or denomination. Sometimes a change of church can bring about a whole new beginning. It often has. Eventually forgiveness and reconciliation is realized as well. Even if folk distance themselves from an open Bible or an open church door, keep the relationship alive. There is always hope of their return, especially if they feel loved and accepted by you.