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ARCHIVE
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June 2005
Benita Black
Photo: Sue
Careless
 When
Bruce Black died suddenly in a traffic accident, his wife Benita was
left with three small girls: Hilary, 7, Meradith, 5, and
ten-month-old Adelaide. She was also expecting a son, Tobias. Her
Toronto church, Little Trinity, rallied round her and helped her
pull
The
Fabulous Four: Hilary, Adelaide, Meradith & Tobias.
through. For four years
after the tragedy her children
received respite care on Tuesday evenings. The children called the
assorted caregivers entering their home “the Tuesday ladies”. The
name stuck even after other women arrived on Thursday mornings as
well. Real friendships developed between the children and the twenty
church women. Adelaide recently complained, “I miss my friend
Cathy.” Benita was perplexed because Adelaide had no friends her age
named Cathy. But the child insisted, “You know, Cathy who bakes
cookies with me” - one of the Tuesday ladies. Sue Careless
interviewed Benita Black about the Tuesday ladies.
Sue Careless :
You have a large extended family living close by. Why did you
need this group of caregivers?
Benita Black : I needed my family for emergencies, for
the unexpected panic attacks when a child is vomiting in the night.
The Tuesday ladies allowed me the freedom to schedule normal
activities. And because they weren’t family, I could tell them more
easily, “Please do this or that.” It would be harder to give
instructions to a relative.
SC : Why was it so important that these caregivers not
be close friends?
BB : The Tuesday ladies weren’t coming to be my
friends. They weren’t coming to visit or socialize. Their purpose
wasn’t to counsel or console me or check up on me to see how I was
coping with my grief. They were coming for the kids. My close
friends and family were already doing lots for me in impromptu ways.
SC : How did you spend your free time?
BB : I belonged to a book club and a Homemaker’s Time
Out program. I hung out and had coffee or saw a movie with my
friends. It was precious time, uninterrupted by four little
children. Sometimes I’d just go for a walk by myself, somewhere,
anywhere.
SC : How did your kids react to all these people, whom
they didn’t know well, invading their home?
BB : Fine. They come from a big family with not only
grandparents but also lots of aunts and uncles and cousins galore.
And we all go to camp every summer since I’m on staff. None of my
kids are clingy.
SC : Did you feel pressure to make your house and kids
“presentable”?
BB : I didn’t. You have to have a thick skin when four
kids are running through your house. And to make matters worse, our
whole house was in the midst of renovations when Bruce died. Of
course, my kids squabbled and sometimes fussed about bedtime, but
the Tuesday ladies worked it out on their own. Nobody ever said to
me, “This is how you should be doing it.”
SC : Was it easy or hard to accept such help?
BB : It helped me tremendously but I think it helped
some of the women, too. It was a fluid group that changed over the
four years. Three women had grandchildren living thousands of miles
away. Another mother whose only child, a son, lived overseas,
particularly loved spending time with Tobias.
SC : Did these women have time on their hands?
BB : No. Many were working women with kids of their
own but they made my kids a priority despite their jam-packed
daytimers. I felt each one forged her own relationship with my kids.
Of course, this arrangement wasn’t for everyone. One single
professional admitted that there was no way she could cope alone
with four kids. But she did something remarkable. Every Sunday for
over a year she cooked us a homemade dinner!
SC : Was this group a witness to your neighbours?
BB : Absolutely! Sometimes neighbours would say, “How
do they do it? They must really like you.” And I’d tell them, “It’s
not about me. They would have done it even if I was sour and dour.
After all, many didn’t know me well. But that’s just what a church
community does. It isn’t about me; it’s about God’s work.” It was an
incredible witness to the neighbourhood.
SC : Did the “Tuesday ladies” encourage your own
faith?
BB : You bet. They taught me that if God calls you to
do something hard, you can do it. And they helped me avoid the “sole
saviour syndrome.” I didn’t have to try and do everything on my own
for my kids. There were others there to hold me up and help me out.
They were so faithful over the long haul. They taught me that God is
faithful, that he, too, cares about me, and my kids.
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